In honor of National Humor Month, Mr. Bad Food has decided to lighten the mood and print a few comic gems about dieting. They say laughter is the best medicine; well maybe it's the best weight loss pill too!
What follows are a few classic questions and answers from an obviously fictionalized weight loss expert. You may have received this in an email – it has come my way on several occasions.
PLEASE REMEMBER... this is not actual diet and fitness advice. But I sure wish it were!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: The heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give you 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only do sit-ups if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... cocoa beans! It's a vegetable!!! Cocoa beans are the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! “Round” is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and dieting.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the “truth” after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
You know it's time to diet and exercise when...
...you try to do a few push-ups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.
...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.
...you get winded just saying the words "five-kilometer run."
...you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.
Finally, researchers have discovered that laughing increases both heart rate and calorie expenditure by up to 20 percent – and the longer participants laughed, the greater the effects.
Using the results, the scientists then went on to calculate that just 15 minutes of laughter a day will burn 10 to 40 calories, depending on a person’s weight and the intensity of the laughter. That’s enough to drop up to four pounds a year!